Giving Drew Magary's Bills Sucks post the FJM Treatment

If you're not familiar with Drew Magary, purveyor all things hateful and hilarious, shame on you.  You're living your life wrong.  Correct yourself.

Prior to each NFL season he posts a daily column titled, "Why your team sucks" where he destroys every NFL team, and, more importantly, their fanbase.  Every awful stereotype and insecurity of every franchise is hilariously, and painfully, described.

Today was the Buffalo Bills turn to be demolished.  And demolish them he did.

But this year I'm not going to take the beating lying down.  I'm going to fight back, and refute his points Fire Joe Morgan-style.

Hit us with your best shot, Drew:

Your 2013 record: 6-10. Was it Tuel time last season? You're goddamn right it was. I want there to be an '80s cock rock band named TUEL so badly, I can taste it. Also, this happened:

This was pretty much the next logical step for these fans, given what goes on in the Bills stadium tailgating lot. Unlike other teams, the Bills don't simply hurt you emotionally. You really do get maimed or killed if you enter the stadium. They should have a yellow warning sign in the concourse that says DANGER: FALLING DRUNK PEOPLE.

Yeah?  Well.... actually, he's got the video proof right there.  Kinda hard to refute that.  Plus, the Bills just got that whole "drunkest fans" label.  OK.  Well played, Drew.  Next point!

Your coach: Doug Marrone, who has cancer! No wait, that was a typo. Marrone isn't happy with the Bills current backup-quarterback situation. If only there were a long stretch of time in which no football is played, and you could sign AGENTS who are FREE to sign with other teams, in order for you to secure a decent backup. An OFFseason. Yes, that's it! That sure would come in handy! Marrone also got pissy with Sammy Watkins for talking candidly about his injuries. Congratulations, Buffalo. You get all the paranoia of Sean Payton with none of the playcalling acumen. 

They did pretty much botch that entire backup QB situation.  And, well, continue to do so, cutting a guy that won two games last year in favor of Jordan Palmer, who they only kept around for a couple days.  

But that's not all on Marrone!  Gotta throw some of that blame on Whaley. Got ya there, Magary!

The Bills also traded their first-rounder next season (oof, outsmarted by Cleveland) to move up in the draft and pick Sammy Watkins. They have publicly stated they would have picked Watkins No. 1 overall, because apparently the Bills are the only franchise that hasn't learned about building a roster from the middle and then out. It's one thing to mortgage your future when you're the Falcons, and you want Julio Jones around to help out Matt Ryan. But the Bills don't have Matt Ryan. They have the black Jake Locker. They can't even keep Watkins healthy, and the season hasn't started yet. Everyone is fighting. What is this team doing? Is there any plan at all? Will any fan be sober enough to notice? (No.)

  Ah... But... Well.. *sigh* Moving on.

What has always sucked: This is the outlet-store NFL team. Everything on display is discounted and/or blemished. Here's a used Brandon Spikes! And a Mike Williams refurb! Would you like the floor model of Mario Williams? We can give you that! You'll get used to owning a quarterback born without legs! THESE ARE ALL GREAT VALUES.

Brandon Spikes is awesome (now that he's no longer a Patriot), and is going to do wonders for the Bills run defense.  Yes, he's only in Buffalo because no one else wanted him.  But that doesn't make him bad!  

And how in the world are you going to make a Mike Williams "refurb" joke and not make a "scratched" reference about his March stabbing?  By his brother, no less!  You're slipping, Magary.

The Bills are one of a handful of teams—Rams, Raiders, Chargers—currently stuck in stadium purgatory. Sabres owner Terry Pegula is the favorite to buy the team (Shocking fact: The Sabres have never won a title either), and the team will either move, or slog through a few more seasons until they can at least get some gym mats installed at the Ralph to break your fall. It would probably be best if the team finally left. Life can't just keep going on like this. I feel like the entire organization is in hospice.

Winning Super Bowls is a pipe dream secondary to keeping the team in Buffalo.  In that regard, Terry Pegula is a saint and will always be a saint, independent of whatever happens in the wins column.

What might not suck: Watkins is genuinely amazing and Manuel showed he could, like, do stuff when he was healthy. The front seven isn't bad either, even with Alonso out. This team should beat out the Jets and Dolphins for second place in the East. Should. They won't, but they should.

Wait a minute, Drew.  Did you just admit that the Bills have some talent on that team?  That they're just behind the Patriots in the vaunted, highly contested AFC East?  That maybe Buffalo isn't a half-bad team?

OK, the AFC East sucks.  But the potential for second-best doesn't.  I'll take it!

Final score:

Bills: 2 - Magary: Eh. Who's keeping track anyway?

BONUS:  At the end of his little rant he posts fan comments about why Bills fans think that the Bills suck.  My favorite:

From Devin in Canada:

Please do not move my team any closer to me. 

Sal Maiorana is mad at Marrone, but more mad at you for not joining in

Let me preface this by stating that I actually like the D&C's Sal Maiorana.  He's usually entertaining on Twitter, I enjoy his brand of negativity/crotchetiness, and he's always insightful and a good listen when he joins the Breakroom in the mornings.

But man, did Sal Maiorana throw himself quite a little pity party on Twitter today.  It didn't last very long, but it was spectacular.

It started when he tweeted that Bills' head coach, Doug Marrone "has decided not to cooperate with the media."  It was an innocuous tweet, giving Bills fans insight into his world.  And, more importantly, letting us know why there hasn't been much noise coming from Marrone.

His next tweet, while still harmless, gave a little hint as to why Sal decided to bring up Marrone's lack of cooperation.

Marrone is conducting press conferences, but isn't saying anything that's useable in print or for a sound bite. No one quite understands why
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

You can sense Maiorana's frustration a bit in that statement. No soundbite. Nothing usable for print. He's whining, just a tad, that Marrone is not making his job easy. Twitter is a great place to complain about such things, so nothing to bat an eye at. Yet.

Then things snowballed. Actually, they didn't really snowball as much as you blinked, and a two ton snowball magically appeared.

Dont know. This camp he has decided to say nothing. It's embarrassing to franchise. Not a good message. RT @JDiProjetto: @salmaiorana why?
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

Just read that absurdity again. "It's embarrassing to franchise." Doug Marrone, highly respected head coach of the Buffalo Bills is not giving me, sports reporter, any soundbites, which is an embarrassment to the franchise. EMBARRASSMENT TO THE FRANCHISE. Because he's not giving me long winded quotes that I can fill a column with.

That tweet was an embarrassment to Twitter. And many of his followers rightly called Sal out on it.  Most, me included, brought up the Belichick comparison.  The Patriots coach gives the most bland, useless pressers in the entire league.  Have you ever heard anyone, apart from Spygate of course, refer to Belichick as an embarrassment to New England?  Of course not.  And Boston has some of the most self-serving, drama-seeking sports reporters in any city.

Someone asked Sal why it was an embarrassment, and he tried to give a reason.

He's a very visible representative. Not a good face to show. RT @NickZelko: @salmaiorana @JDiProjetto why is it embarrassing to franchise?
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

It's a stupid reason. See: Belichick once again. But what makes it even more absurd is that Sal's pretending as if he's simply looking out for the best interest of the Buffalo Bills. That this little tirade has nothing to do with Marrone not tossing him softball column ideas. Marrone not taking 30 minutes to answer questions on the first Tuesday in August is putting the Bills in a bad light.

<Insert chortle here>

But the pity part was just getting started.

It baffles me how the media is always the bad guy. We are the conduit from players/coaches to you fans. I'd think you'd want more from them
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

Sal is baffled -- BAFFLED, I tell you! -- that Bills fans aren't as outraged as his is that Marrone isn't opening up like he's a guest on Oprah. If fact, Bills fans are not only not revolting against Marrone on the heels of this terrible news, they're actively questioning why Sal is so upset.

Like any good politician, Sal knows what's best for us. And what's best for us is Marrone taking the time to answer, in depth, any question Sal might want to ask. Why are we too stupid to realize this?

But just in case you didn't feel bad for Sal Maiorana: Defender of truth, justice, and the American Way, he's going to try to guilt you into doing so.

Yes, snipe at me for letting you all know what's happening here. I'll go back to tweeting about exciting blocking sled drills.
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

That's a pretty poor attempt at a guilt trip, but it's an attempt nonetheless. He might as well have said that he was going to take his ball and go home.

Which is pretty much what he said next, in the piece de resistance of his little tantrum.

Cuz I'm willing to tell you. But clearly given reaction I won't anymore. RT @WNYorker: @salmaiorana why are you the only one reporting this?
— Sal Maiorana (@salmaiorana) August 5, 2014

I replied to that last bit of nonsense saying that reporting on the relationship between Marrone and the media is great. Whipping out the "embarrassment to franchise" line because Sal wasn't getting his way was where people, rightfully, turned on him.

But he didn't reply to me, or anyone else on the topic after that. So we're left to assume that Sal will stay true to his word and only report on blocking drills for the rest of camp.

Also, let the record show that Sal's Twitter banner is Bruce Springsteen.

Interviewing Kenny Powers about Kiko Alonso

[originally written as a Fanpost on BuffaloRumblings.com]

With news of Buffalo Bills linebacker Kiko Alonso's knee injury making shockwaves across Western New York, I reached out to another professional athlete -- someone who's had his share of ups and downs -- to get some perspective on what lies ahead for Kiko as he makes his comeback from this terrible injury.

ME: Now, Kenny, you may have heard that Kiko Alonso severely injured his knee while working out in Oreg--

KP: I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising.

ME: Well, Kiko plays professional football. Surely, that's a real sport? It takes several months of conditioning and weight training to prepare your body for the rigors of the upcoming season.

KP: This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, 'You and your weights can [expletive] off somewhere. I'm not lifting that [expletive]. It's heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a 100 mile per hour pitch?"

ME: We are getting severely off track here. Can you take me into the mind of a professional athlete? What goes through your head when you step onto the mound?

KP: I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than [expletive]. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world.

ME: A lot of Bills fans feel that same way about Alonso; that he was best player on the field at any given time. You've been in a lot of lockerooms. Can you pinpoint what separates the Kiko Alonso's from the Aaron Maybin's of the world?

KP: If there's one thing I've learned through all my adventures and conquests, it's that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great.

ME: An injury, especially to a knee, can greatly impact an athlete and limit what he does on the field both physically, and mentally. No one doubts that Kiko's body will be ready once his rehab is done, but how will he have to prepare himself emotionally to get back on the field?

KP: A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for [female cats].

ME: Kiko is looking at a full year before he's able to suit up again for the Bills. That's a long time for an athlete to be away from the game. Being someone who has had to step away for stretches of time, what advice can you give him over these next months?

KP: I'm about to [expletive] you up with some truth: When you're on top of the world, every mother [expletive] wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable? Just to regroup and relax? No one will give you the time of day.

ME: I feel as if Kiko is surrounded by a great support group. He is quickly becoming the face of the franchise. I don't think everyone will turn their backs to him simply because he was injured.

KP: When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my [expletive]. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a [expletive] cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

ME: With the advancements in medicine, there's no reason to assume Kiko won't be back to 100% when his rehab is completed. But, let's assume he's not the same player he once was. What does he have to do to prepare himself for a life after football?

KP: The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it-- making [expletive] loads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you're not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.

ME: Kenny, thank you very much for taking time out of your busy schedule to chat with me. I think I speak for all Bills fans when I say that it's great to hear how you've dealt with, and overcome, much of what Kiko will be going through. If an athlete of your caliber and success can get back on the proverbial horse, there's no doubt Kiko will be just fine.

KP: Wow. I mean, you just nailed it. You just hit it on the head. You're saying I need to get back on top again. Yeah, man. I got to remember that I'm a winner, man. I need to remember that I AM better than everybody else. I'm a bullet-proof tiger, dude, and if everyone in this town has forgot who I am, then maybe it's time I remind 'em. Maybe it's time I remind everyone just who the [expletive] Kenny Powers is.

ME: Not at all what I was saying. Thanks again!

Being a Bills fan means waiting for the other shoe to drop

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The first time I heard Einstein's definition of insanity I thought it was incredibly clever.  The managers used to recite it at my first sales job as motivation to get us to stop using failing pitches.  Ironically, that was the only job I ever held that I absolutely loathed.  I'd sit in the parking lot before going in each morning, trying to talk myself out of just turning around and going home.  I was insane.

A decade later, I hear that quote a few times per month and it's grown tiresome.  Like anything, if you hear it enough times it starts to lose its impact.  But I'm going to dust it off today to discuss the Buffalo Bills.

Being a Bills fan, and really, the fan of any perpetually bottom-dwelling team, is an exercise in insanity.  Before the current season ends you're already amping yourself up for "next year".  Then comes the offseason full of new players, maybe some coaching changes, and then the draft where you convince yourself that whichever player your team selected, he's the guy that's going to turn your fortunes around. 

Then the new season starts, the losses continue to pile up, and you start looking forward to next year again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

That all said, I couldn't be more excited about the current direction the Bills are heading.  I know, I know.  But for the first time since I was a child, it legitimately feels as if this franchise is on the right track.  Granted, the quarterback, the most important position on the team, is a huge question mark.  In three years EJ Manuel could be an All-Pro, or he could be out of the league.  Neither of those outcomes would surprise me.  But the rest of the roster is being stocked with legitimate talent.

Not only that, but the front office under new GM Doug Whaley is very aggressive.  The team is swinging for the fences.  That's something that just hasn't happened in Buffalo in a long time.

Of course, because it's Buffalo, and the Bills, it can't all be sunshine and rainbows.  There's always some black cloud lurking around every corner.  Ralph Wilson, the only owner the Bills have ever had has passed.  His wife is now the majority owner and is looking to dump the team, with a sale being possible as early as October.

The team, and New York State, are trying to put a plan together for a new stadium; which is about the only way to guarantee the team remains in Buffalo.  But there's just about no possibility that this comes together before a new owner takes the reigns.  And if the new owner wants to pack up and move to Los Angeles or Toronto, or anywhere else, no stadium committee is going to stop them. 

Right now, all Buffalo fans are clinging to the hope that they are acquired by someone with local roots who's determined to keep the team in town.  That's certainly possible, but it's just as likely that they'll be acquired by some other billionaire that dreams of owning a team in Southern California or any other major market.

But we can save all that doom and gloom talk for another day.  For now, let's just appreciate the fact that there's legitimate hope on the horizon for this team.  And if they end the season with 6 or 7 wins again?  Well, there's always next year.