Giving Drew Magary's Bills Sucks post the FJM Treatment

If you're not familiar with Drew Magary, purveyor all things hateful and hilarious, shame on you.  You're living your life wrong.  Correct yourself.

Prior to each NFL season he posts a daily column titled, "Why your team sucks" where he destroys every NFL team, and, more importantly, their fanbase.  Every awful stereotype and insecurity of every franchise is hilariously, and painfully, described.

Today was the Buffalo Bills turn to be demolished.  And demolish them he did.

But this year I'm not going to take the beating lying down.  I'm going to fight back, and refute his points Fire Joe Morgan-style.

Hit us with your best shot, Drew:

Your 2013 record: 6-10. Was it Tuel time last season? You're goddamn right it was. I want there to be an '80s cock rock band named TUEL so badly, I can taste it. Also, this happened:

This was pretty much the next logical step for these fans, given what goes on in the Bills stadium tailgating lot. Unlike other teams, the Bills don't simply hurt you emotionally. You really do get maimed or killed if you enter the stadium. They should have a yellow warning sign in the concourse that says DANGER: FALLING DRUNK PEOPLE.

Yeah?  Well.... actually, he's got the video proof right there.  Kinda hard to refute that.  Plus, the Bills just got that whole "drunkest fans" label.  OK.  Well played, Drew.  Next point!

Your coach: Doug Marrone, who has cancer! No wait, that was a typo. Marrone isn't happy with the Bills current backup-quarterback situation. If only there were a long stretch of time in which no football is played, and you could sign AGENTS who are FREE to sign with other teams, in order for you to secure a decent backup. An OFFseason. Yes, that's it! That sure would come in handy! Marrone also got pissy with Sammy Watkins for talking candidly about his injuries. Congratulations, Buffalo. You get all the paranoia of Sean Payton with none of the playcalling acumen. 

They did pretty much botch that entire backup QB situation.  And, well, continue to do so, cutting a guy that won two games last year in favor of Jordan Palmer, who they only kept around for a couple days.  

But that's not all on Marrone!  Gotta throw some of that blame on Whaley. Got ya there, Magary!

The Bills also traded their first-rounder next season (oof, outsmarted by Cleveland) to move up in the draft and pick Sammy Watkins. They have publicly stated they would have picked Watkins No. 1 overall, because apparently the Bills are the only franchise that hasn't learned about building a roster from the middle and then out. It's one thing to mortgage your future when you're the Falcons, and you want Julio Jones around to help out Matt Ryan. But the Bills don't have Matt Ryan. They have the black Jake Locker. They can't even keep Watkins healthy, and the season hasn't started yet. Everyone is fighting. What is this team doing? Is there any plan at all? Will any fan be sober enough to notice? (No.)

  Ah... But... Well.. *sigh* Moving on.

What has always sucked: This is the outlet-store NFL team. Everything on display is discounted and/or blemished. Here's a used Brandon Spikes! And a Mike Williams refurb! Would you like the floor model of Mario Williams? We can give you that! You'll get used to owning a quarterback born without legs! THESE ARE ALL GREAT VALUES.

Brandon Spikes is awesome (now that he's no longer a Patriot), and is going to do wonders for the Bills run defense.  Yes, he's only in Buffalo because no one else wanted him.  But that doesn't make him bad!  

And how in the world are you going to make a Mike Williams "refurb" joke and not make a "scratched" reference about his March stabbing?  By his brother, no less!  You're slipping, Magary.

The Bills are one of a handful of teams—Rams, Raiders, Chargers—currently stuck in stadium purgatory. Sabres owner Terry Pegula is the favorite to buy the team (Shocking fact: The Sabres have never won a title either), and the team will either move, or slog through a few more seasons until they can at least get some gym mats installed at the Ralph to break your fall. It would probably be best if the team finally left. Life can't just keep going on like this. I feel like the entire organization is in hospice.

Winning Super Bowls is a pipe dream secondary to keeping the team in Buffalo.  In that regard, Terry Pegula is a saint and will always be a saint, independent of whatever happens in the wins column.

What might not suck: Watkins is genuinely amazing and Manuel showed he could, like, do stuff when he was healthy. The front seven isn't bad either, even with Alonso out. This team should beat out the Jets and Dolphins for second place in the East. Should. They won't, but they should.

Wait a minute, Drew.  Did you just admit that the Bills have some talent on that team?  That they're just behind the Patriots in the vaunted, highly contested AFC East?  That maybe Buffalo isn't a half-bad team?

OK, the AFC East sucks.  But the potential for second-best doesn't.  I'll take it!

Final score:

Bills: 2 - Magary: Eh. Who's keeping track anyway?

BONUS:  At the end of his little rant he posts fan comments about why Bills fans think that the Bills suck.  My favorite:

From Devin in Canada:

Please do not move my team any closer to me.